Who is Ong Ah Bee?

Last weekend the very same MP,
Like clockwork, he came to pally pally,
Say "I've done better since the last GE",
Coz I've kept awake, on TV.

I said 'Dear MP of my GRC',
Now I can buy less, with my salary.
My pay's frozen, perpetually,
Else will kenna replaced, by 2 FTs.

I don't need casino, or a grand prix,
Or someone, with 12 As in his resume.
Just an MP, who will feel for me.
Not someone, who will simply agree,

'Thanks for your feedback, Mr Ong Ah Bee'
I feel for you, very seriously.
But in the interest, of our economy,
I have to agree, to all the policies.

Inflation is mainly, for cars and property,
My COE, costs more than my Mercedes.
You don't drive, so you're better off than me,
Not my fault it's Ah Ben, printing money.

Your flat price is up, so you should thank me,
Only those that are buying will kpkb.
Your kids can't afford? Don't worry,
We'll just make flats, that are lagi tiny.

'So dear MP, of my GRC,
With such thinking, you win oredi.
I really hope, you win this GRC,
Else I may kenna, shipped off to JB.'

Recently, my white MP,
Kok on my door, and very kek ki..
Say ‘I’ve worked so hard, so vote for me’,
‘Or rubbish won't be cleared, in your vicinty'..

I said ‘Dear MP of my GRC’,
‘Dun remember u, so please pardon me’..
‘I only saw you on TV’,
‘Dozing off and jiak liao bee’..

Last GE I voted for thee,
2% up in GST..
Cut CPF and up utility,
Are still very clear in my memory..

5 years later, then you come to me,
Fresh from your slumber of ivory..
Say that only, you can help me,
Escape from a life of poverty..

Just take a drive on CTE,
Count the number, of all the gantries..
Or squeeze a ride on the MRT,
That has not been cleared for ye..

My life since the last GE,
Has been downhill though I voted PAP..
If I vote the same for your sleeping spree,
I can expect the same misery..

So this time round, I vote for somebody,
Who will kachiao you, to productivity..
Forms fill wrong, no big deal to me,
If there’s someone to speak up for ah bee..

So dear MP of GRC,
If life no improve, vote u cho simi?

Ong Ah Bee's philosophy: Part I-IV
first saw this posted on the Web.. can original writer email me? muz thank you for writing on me..

++++++++

I am Ong Ah Bee living in Kampong Chai Chee
Life used to be simple and HAPPY
I worked hard in my STUDIES
I learned A-B-C, and everything from 1, 2, and 3.
Primary school was quite easy
I passed PSLE

Then I went to SECONDARY
The subjects include HISTORY, GEOGRAPHY
Physics, Biology and CHEMISTRY
After O levels I went to JC
I was quite LUCKY

This is a small humid tropical COUNTRY
Surrounded by unknown potential ENEMIES
Boys turned 18 must go to ARMY
After that we may continue our Studies
The girls can just sit back, relax, and watch TV
They come to this world only to "Chia Liao Bi"

No one lives on free meals or depends on CHARITY
I had no money to go to University or Poly
So I went to work at a FACTORY
Trying to earn a little lousy SALARY
After CPF and INCOME TAX,
I have just enough money to buy ROTI and ride in MRT.

Colleagues at work used to be FRIENDLY
Always treat me to tea and COFFEE
Somehow they turned FISHY
Passing bad remarks about me
Telling everybody I am LAZY.

My bosses show me no SYMPATHY
Mumbling over my shoulder daily : "HURRY, HURRY and HURRY !"
Accusing me of always trying to get MC
But my sickness was due to over stretch OT
Going home after midnight by TAXI and
They pay me only bus fee

I Park-Tor and became STEADY
Finally had to MARRY
I lost money holding Wedding Dinner PARTY
Cheeky friends donating only cheap PANTY
After marriage, nothing was EASY

In one year, I became DADDY
I can't support my family and our BABY
Being tied down for life to repay HDB and
rising monthly utilities to PUB
My bank account has NO MONEY
POSB balance is almost EMPTY
DBS wants to charge me EXTRA FEE
Insisting that "Nothing is FREE!"
So I moonlight as KARANG GUNI

Many times I want to jump into the sea to MATI
But that is not EASY
My wife cries: "Who is going to support me and our BABY?"
So I can't MATI .

I went to seek assistance from the MP
His reply was simple and easy:
"Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me".
He never tell me any convincing Policy.
My dear friends, can you pls help Ong Ah Bee ?


++++++++ took liberty to update..


To earn more, joined upgrading tree,
borrow from bank to get degree..
but look around, many pHd,
so wash testtube, at laboratory..

now the banks are coming after me..
owe us money, quick pay money..
24% compounded annually..
since when we say interest free?

Pay debt wife try to work for a fee..
leave old folks to look after kiddy..
neber mind they got no energy..
so long as no maid levy..

morning drag child take mrt..
from bukit chai chee to clementi..
change 2 feeders very worth it you see..
coz very siong to take taxi..

got small raise to buy small car, hee..
maybe reach faster to clementi..
But lao pok car oso got COE..
PIE jam oso pay ERP..

i very tight but paiseh to say..
so govt squeeze my balls away..
used my $, built durians by the sea..
better off planting some durian tree..

now our income just enuf for 3..
with handphone, broadband as luxury..
but they say no $ give these up quickly..
scrimp and procreate for country..

if each minister raise is one char kuay teow..
how more ex, can child raising be?
Coz most jobs are, for stayers in SG..
Keep running in your wheel, wun be in poverty..

sometimes hope if MP less busy..
try living our lives in entirety..
coz if char kuay teow can't ease things for me..
cheaper to get Clinton in ministry..

Now they still say vote for me..
I say sure but can first help Ong Ah Bee?


++++++++ and update


soon my kid, had to go nursery..
my balls fused, till i bin qi qi..
cut down more, pay enrichment fee..
while upgrading skills, at NTUC..

'Mai kiasu' says Edu Ministry..
Dunnid to spend, juz let ur kid be..
I not kiasu, dear siree..
No one likes, to be the bottom you see..

i suffer now, coz hopefully..
my kid can, become scholarly..
serve the nation, civilly..
pay can buy me one tonne mee..

One child headache, you want 3..
That's 3 times, our bounden duty..
Wen there's enuff, babies for ye..
Then wat happens, U-turn for thee?

Mothers will get, 4 months maternity..
I will get to jiak kaki..
Pro family ads, won't unfuse balls for me..
No mood to bonk, wen no money..

So yes MP, will still vote for thee..
but please help, the sons of Ong Ah Bee..


++++++++ and update


Went back office, boss angry..
'Ur report too plain', no cheemkology..
Dun say wait, say KIV..
Dun use plan, use strategy..

Meaning same rite? I asked carefully..
Dun pray pray, he scream furiously..
I retrenchor, U retrenchee..
Make paper look, like from consultancy..

KNNBCCB..
Wash testtube, write paper cho simi?
But need this job, till infinity..
No choice loh, throw dignity..

Lunch time went to q 4D,
Spare change bought some chup ji kee..
I not rich, but in misery..
Hope strike big, then i chio bi bi..

I sat down, to la kopi..
Not ice mocha, juz kopi and guni..
Went through Straits Times, leisurely..
Tink this paper, very funny..

One page say, better economy..
Next page say, cutting employee..
Same page say, quick buy property..
Last page show, increase conservancy..

Garment use funds, for community..
Building casino, but made it touristy..
Lucky I no go, jump in sea mati..
Sekali kena fine, pollute water quality..

So yes siree, will vote for thee..
If you make me your NMP..



Ong Ah Bee's Philosophy: Part V
+++++ updated - 7 Apr 2004

Makan liao, cheong CBD,
Make some testtube, delivery..
Left eye watch for, zig-zagging taxi,
Right eye scan for summon aunty..

Made one U-turn too many..
Suay suay bump into e-gantry..
Hear IU go ‘pee pee pee’
Tis month eat grass oredi..

Then one 'Lexus' SUV,
Eye got stamp, langar into me..
Driver came down, and with irony..
Say I cut lane suddenly..

Next to come by, was the TP..
No say one word, juz took my tengki..
Say I drive too dangerously..
Give big problem, to the white-horse to be..

So yes MP, will vote for thee..
But pls help the off-white Ong Ah Bee..



Ong Ah Bee's Philosophy: Part VI
TV flash mob, for ‘Tow Huay Chwee’..
My reserve unit, in infantry..
Squeeze in #4, tuck beer belly..
Zoom to Tuas, in my Suzuki..

Some find it laycheh, but not for me..
Ah Bee steady, pom pee pee..
Coz wen fight comes, and Foreign Talents flee..
Ang Mohs can’t sian, our SPG..

If not Ong Ah Bee, but Dick Tracy..
Den I no lifelong liability..
But if NS, outsource to Mang Ka Li..
Can’t get ERS, annually..

Saw my campmates, very happy..
Though some stressed till, tow mor boh ki..
Together we endure, humidity..
Comb Pulau Tekong, for piracy..

Feel like Rambo, in Ah Moh hee..
Forgot my problems, temporarily..
From BMT till ROD..
This is 1st time, I can break free..

So yes siree, will vote for thee..
But wat difference? FT and Ong Ah Bee?



Ong Ah Bee's Philosophy: Part VII
+++++

Last time small boy play goh lee..
Jump in longkang, to catch guppy..
Now teenagers, play IRC..
Good grades ask for MP3..

Breakfast want go Deli..
Lunch time ask to eat sushi..
Dinner beg for KFC..
Food bills can feed Zimbabwe..

Times have changed, expectedly..
Coz now we are, a 1st world clique..
Bought kid gohlee, with my 3rd world salary..
He throw in fish tank, kachiao the fishy..

Can’t go back, to kuti kuti..
Or play Open, Sesame..
Now small toys, need big battery..
Big ones eat, electricity..

I whole day, piah from dawn till eve..
So buy him toys, to feel fatherly..
Tight still spend? you ask me..
No buy i'll feel, lagi guilty..

So yes siree, in big GRC..
Pls help the offsprings of Ong Ah Bee..



Ong Ah Bee's Philosophy: Part VIII
small addition

+++++

Stopped to pump gas, at oligopoly..
All priced the same, save for SPC..
Sure I believe, they not buddy-buddy..
Maybe price pegged to, Renmingbi..

Nation is built on, meritocracy..
So why they gang up, and bully kechi..
Dun say garment, oso Machiavelli..
See the different pricings, from the telco GLCs..

Drove through roadworks, reached Fengshan CC..
Picked my boy, of gifted artistry..
He said ‘next week's drawing, need PC..’
Hope ah longs still find me, credit worthy..

Since money no drop, from money tree..
So teach me how to have, equity..
Increase income, and spend frugally?
My grandma can oso, humtum this theory..

I from hand to mouth, perpetually..
With no spare cash, for emergency..
Small price hikes, add to one big monkey..
Now can't make much, from Hello Kitty..

So yes siree, will vote for thee..
Can make Pentium V, appear for Ong Ah Bee?



Ong Ah Bee's Philosophy: Part IX
Happy belated Easter!

+++++

Now Man U, on a losing spree..
I eat half ball, still lose to bookie..
Giggs and Scholes, all 3 legs shaky..
No fight with Henry, that skinny beanie..

Check my 4D, again tiao jee..
Big Sweep and Toto, boh yan pee..
I bought big fruits, for Goddess of Mercy..
Why still no help, from divinity?

Then one professor, of Social Study..
Came with a doctor, of Psychology..
Asked me ‘why gamble, compulsively?’
When winning’s so remote, a possibility..

To say it, in simplicity..
Hope is the basis, of humanity..
You have 1 life, same for me..
You drive BM, can't I hope for Mercedes?

I oso wish to, donate charity..
Eat French food, and not Maggie mee..
Drink Perrier, tip golf caddy..
Live a day like royalty..

Last time know ABC, will get kiam chye char loti..
Now kiam chye char loti, still got GST..
So in Ah Bee’s Hokkien, philosophy..
Betting is last ticket, to prosperity..

So yes siree, sure vote for thee..
Can give better odds in life to Ong Ah Bee?



Ong Ah Bee's Philosophy: Part X
BGR edition up.. :) pls support Ah Bee with some comments, or email topics u want Ah Bee to rant on, ok? cheerio!

+++++

Got this colleague, called Tan Wee Lee..
A well-known buaya, that all can see..
See girls oni, go phee-0-whee..
And flash his Thai Rolex, gleefully..

All the women, in our company..
Tink he very, touchy-feely..
See him quickly, siam jit pee..
Or stare at lizard, in the pantry..

He said ‘My car from top, looks Ferrari..
Shirt from far, looks like Armani..
Tie from side, becomes JPG..
Pants seen from bottom, is Versace..’

‘Payday I buy the girls Gucci..
And diamond rings from Tiffany..
Bring them to zoo, till the hippos know me..
How come I still boh seng lee?’

I said ‘dear brudder, Tan Wee Lee..
Our girls not from Venus, nor this galaxy..
The chio ones want more, variety..
Wun be happy with, juz one Fendi..’

The not chio ones, will be more earthly..
But wrap in gold, u oso wun see..
Girls know beauty fades, eventually..
So now they maximise, their currency..

Guys splurge on girls, due to anatomy..
Girls accumulate for, practicality..
Best if they can marry, Prince Ali..
If stuck with Ali Baba, can pawn ur jewellery..

So yes MP, will vote for thee..
But not sure about this collegue of Ong Ah Bee..



Ong Ah Bee's Philosophy: Part XI
small gripe.. coz weather too hot.. haha..

+++++

One day after blackout, of electricity..
Taxes went up, for property..
I frus oso canot, KPKB..
Coz this is the month, of courtesy..

But the paper say, dun worry..
Increase will impact you, minimally..
One year cost about, 5 hairdo oni..
Juz that we’ll charge more, gradually..

See these experts on our economy?
And these heartlanders of HDB,
Agree that increase, is kurak kuching..
So this is wat, u should also think..

What describes Singaporeans, uniquely?
Asked the clueless, STB..
I tink our foremost quality..
Is that we measure price hikes, by commodity..

Transport hike costs u, 3 bee hoon mee..
Power bill up? 6 fish head curry..
Income tax increase, is 12 ice jelly..
I no food to pay up, oredi..

So yes siree, will vote for thee..
Juz dun take last chilli from Ong Ah Bee..



Ong Ah Bee's Philosophy: Part XII
Paiseh.. ah bee very busy with work recently..

small update for u. TGIF!!!

+++++

There’s also a major, commonality..
In sg workers’, mentality..
All hate Mondays, unanimously..
And look forward to Fridays, with ecstasy..

Mons and Tues, all look like zombie..
Wed and Thurs, try to act busy..
Friday mornings, tink of where to party..
Sats sleep late to, recharge body..

To spend weekends more, meaningfully..
We hang out at malls and chat idly..
Rich ones brag about, their property..
Not rich ones compare their plasma TV..

Sports fans talk about Wayne Rooney..
Young girls gossip about, Nicholas Tze..
Housewives trade tips on adultery..
Old folks laugh over, Lao Fu Tse..

Gambling types jio their, mahjong kaki..
Foodies drive out, q for nasi bryani..
Weekends here have great, similarity..
Nothing is out of, the ordinary..

Evenings are spent, watching vcd..
Juz like office zombies, dressed more casually..
But all Singaporean thoughts, are in unity..
Why so fast Monday, coming oredi??

So yes siree, will vote for thee..
Can make Mondays come later for Ong Ah Bee?



Ong Ah Bee's Philosophy: Part XIII
For all travelling countrymen.. have a safe and happy trip! :)

++++++++

Cheong travel fair at, Suntec City..
Jostled with others to, travel cheaply..
Nevermind crowd's so, kiasu & kiasee..
Coz i need a holiday, desperately..

Never sat on airplane, through history..
Last trip was to Tioman, via ferry..
Now saved enuf for, a trip for the family..
So die die must get these, tours of economy..

Media portrayed a, different story..
“All tours have been snapped up, instantly..
So ‘Times are hard’, is a fallacy..
See we’re still travelling, globally’..

What they dunno and, dowan to see..
Is my suitcase stuffed with, Myojo mee..
They’re our staple diet, overseas..
When meals are out of, the itinerary..

Touched down Bangkok, ran amok in glee..
Rummaged whole city, for D & G..
Coz the Thai temples, and their majesty..
Can’t be worn to, show off u see..

One look people know, we’re from sg..
Coz we shop for brands, with ferocity..
Won’t care if the fashion is, passe oredi..
So long as logo's seen, prominently..

A passerby said “Sawadee”..
“U travel so far, to spend money..
How come u still dun look, very happy..
But juz buy and buy, with urgency.."

I said ‘sg buy 1, here buy 3..
Feels very shiok, when buy instead of see..
Can’t come often, so please excuse me..
Gotta load up, on cheap necessity..”

So yes siree, will vote for thee..
Can make living costs duty-free for Ong Ah Bee?

Nominate Ah Bee for politics and get:

* More subsidised housing
* More driverless buses/mrts/taxis and less blackouts
* More 16% petrol discounts and Less Rewards
* More lateral thinking school kids and less vertical growing brats
* More scholar enterpreneurs and less enterprising scholars
* More mainstream arts events with non-gay themes
* More fireworks during National Day, and less FT hireworks after that
* More take-home pay
* More job protection for cleaners/ice-cream sellers/security guards
* Less retrenchments and more structural unemployment for sg white collared workers
* Less U-turns, and more 3-point turns
* More kachang putehs, and less durians
* 4 day workweek with Wed, Sat Sun off to buy 4-D

It takes a heartlander to understand a heartlander, nominate Ah Bee to enjoy More Food Years.
Together, we can build a better tomorrow. :)

Happy National Day!

For all travelling countrymen.. have a safe and happy trip! :)

++++++++

Cheong travel fair at, Suntec City..
Jostled with others to, travel cheaply..
Nevermind crowd's so, kiasu & kiasee..
Coz i need a holiday, desperately..

Never sat on airplane, through history..
Last trip was to Tioman, via ferry..
Now saved enuf for, a trip for the family..
So die die must get these, tours of economy..

Media portrayed a, different story..
“All tours have been snapped up, instantly..
So ‘Times are hard’, is a fallacy..
See we’re still travelling, globally’..

What they dunno and, dowan to see..
Is my suitcase stuffed with, Myojo mee..
They’re our staple diet, overseas..
When meals are out of, the itinerary..

Touched down Bangkok, ran amok in glee..
Rummaged whole city, for D & G..
Coz the Thai temples, and their majesty..
Can’t be worn to, show off u see..

One look people know, we’re from sg..
Coz we shop for brands, with ferocity..
Won’t care if the fashion is, passe oredi..
So long as logo's seen, prominently..

A passerby said “Sawadee”..
“U travel so far, to spend money..
How come u still dun look, very happy..
But juz buy and buy, with urgency.."

I said ‘sg buy 1, here buy 3..
Feels very shiok, when buy instead of see..
Can’t come often, so please excuse me..
Gotta load up, on cheap necessity..”

So yes siree, will vote for thee..
Can make living costs duty-free for Ong Ah Bee?

Paiseh.. ah bee very busy with work recently..

small update for u. TGIF!!!

+++++

There’s also a major, commonality..
In sg workers’, mentality..
All hate Mondays, unanimously..
And look forward to Fridays, with ecstasy..

Mons and Tues, all look like zombie..
Wed and Thurs, try to act busy..
Friday mornings, tink of where to party..
Sats sleep late to, recharge body..

To spend weekends more, meaningfully..
We hang out at malls and chat idly..
Rich ones brag about, their property..
Not rich ones compare their plasma TV..

Sports fans talk about Wayne Rooney..
Young girls gossip about, Nicholas Tze..
Housewives trade tips on adultery..
Old folks laugh over, Lao Fu Tse..

Gambling types jio their, mahjong kaki..
Foodies drive out, q for nasi bryani..
Weekends here have great, similarity..
Nothing is out of, the ordinary..

Evenings are spent, watching vcd..
Juz like office zombies, dressed more casually..
But all Singaporean thoughts, are in unity..
Why so fast Monday, coming oredi??

So yes siree, will vote for thee..
Can make Mondays come later for Ong Ah Bee?

Time and tide... make that weak-bladdered squirm..

A rolling stone... is playing his outdated music at an old folk's home..

Life is like a box of chocolates... you'll never know who's a nut inside..

Fight fire... so that wun kena fired..